Dear Thirteen-Year-Old Jason,
Now for a word about the Boy Scouts of America. I know that the scouting program is a big part of the young men's organization in the Church, and you've heard it described as "the right hand of the priesthood" time and time again. Well, I'll let you in on a little secret. It is not actual church doctrine. It is not actually critical to your salvation. It has brought you so much grief, just as some of the young men's activities like church basketball, and you just don't have to be involved in it. I know this goes completely against your grain of wanting to please everyone, but, Jason, just politely inform your parents that you will not be a part of the scouting program anymore. You've dreaded scouts ever since you were eight years old. Let's put you out of your misery, shall we? People will probably make efforts to get you involved, but just stand your ground. Trust me. You'll be much happier.
Remember when you were six and you asked Mom about where babies came from because you needed to see if the next door neighbor boy was telling the truth? And how she told you that it was called "making love" and how it is a very beautiful thing? And then remember when Dad decided he needed to make the talk official by calling you into their bedroom with a book about the human body? They did as well as to be expected in explaining the basic physiology of the whole thing. But they left out some pretty important details. I can't get into all of them here and now or this letter would be chapters long, but let me tell you this: Don't beat yourself up for beating off! How well I remember that vicious cycle of urges and guilt you were stuck in for the entirety of your teenage years. How much valuable time and mental and emotional energy have you already wasted worrying about your fantasies and providing yourself release? In spite of what you have heard, it is normal. Ninety nine point nine nine nine nine percent of all human males do it regularly or have done it regularly at some point in their lives. Your palms will not get hairy. You will not go blind. You will not go to hell. You will not be any less spiritual or worthy of God's love and spirit. Just enjoy your body and then get back to the business of your life without that horrible, dark, dehabilitating GUILT that needlessly plagues you. Believe me. You've got bigger fish to fry.
So the moral of this particular letter, Jason, is to stop doing things that you don't need to be doing that bring you grief (like going to scouts) and start doing things that you need to do that will bring your hormone wracked body some physical release and relaxation (like spanking your monkey) and to stop scourging yourself for doing something that you were programmed to do.
Until next time, try to relax and enjoy life a little bit. And for heaven's sake, don't worry so much!
Love, your friend,
An Older You
P.S. Now what are you waiting for? Go lock yourself in the bathroom.