Dear Thirteen-Year-Old Jason,
Now for a word about the Boy Scouts of America. I know that the scouting program is a big part of the young men's organization in the Church, and you've heard it described as "the right hand of the priesthood" time and time again. Well, I'll let you in on a little secret. It is not actual church doctrine. It is not actually critical to your salvation. It has brought you so much grief, just as some of the young men's activities like church basketball, and you just don't have to be involved in it. I know this goes completely against your grain of wanting to please everyone, but, Jason, just politely inform your parents that you will not be a part of the scouting program anymore. You've dreaded scouts ever since you were eight years old. Let's put you out of your misery, shall we? People will probably make efforts to get you involved, but just stand your ground. Trust me. You'll be much happier.
Remember when you were six and you asked Mom about where babies came from because you needed to see if the next door neighbor boy was telling the truth? And how she told you that it was called "making love" and how it is a very beautiful thing? And then remember when Dad decided he needed to make the talk official by calling you into their bedroom with a book about the human body? They did as well as to be expected in explaining the basic physiology of the whole thing. But they left out some pretty important details. I can't get into all of them here and now or this letter would be chapters long, but let me tell you this: Don't beat yourself up for beating off! How well I remember that vicious cycle of urges and guilt you were stuck in for the entirety of your teenage years. How much valuable time and mental and emotional energy have you already wasted worrying about your fantasies and providing yourself release? In spite of what you have heard, it is normal. Ninety nine point nine nine nine nine percent of all human males do it regularly or have done it regularly at some point in their lives. Your palms will not get hairy. You will not go blind. You will not go to hell. You will not be any less spiritual or worthy of God's love and spirit. Just enjoy your body and then get back to the business of your life without that horrible, dark, dehabilitating GUILT that needlessly plagues you. Believe me. You've got bigger fish to fry.
So the moral of this particular letter, Jason, is to stop doing things that you don't need to be doing that bring you grief (like going to scouts) and start doing things that you need to do that will bring your hormone wracked body some physical release and relaxation (like spanking your monkey) and to stop scourging yourself for doing something that you were programmed to do.
Until next time, try to relax and enjoy life a little bit. And for heaven's sake, don't worry so much!
Love, your friend,
An Older You
.
P.S. Now what are you waiting for? Go lock yourself in the bathroom.
26 comments:
What can I say - I have teenaged boys - but its so true - then, when you were 13, and now - when my kid is 13...one must seek one's pleasure - as long as it doesn't hurt others (lots of Catholic priests could take that lesson to heart...)Why does sex have to be so over-regulated and over-burdened with angst?
~m
If only you had gotten this letter back then, huh? :)
Guess you told him a thing or two that your/his parents skimmed ouver, and none too late either.
Now excuse me I have to go brush my rock.
I am seriously laughing my ass off over here!!! My 12-year-old was telling me about a dirty book that someone found (and by found I thing he meant 'stole from someone's dad') and he was just kind of giggly telling me about it...I can only imagine that what you have just written might possibly come in handy (handy!! teehee) should try to have this translated!
by the way...i asked my friend, who is mom to twin teenage boys, how many times a day they could "spank the monkey"?...she answered..."well..it depends on how old they are. if they are 16, then 16 times is not a stretch."
lord, help me.
if boys over time had done the job themselves then maybe there would have been fewer teen pregnancies too, hmmmm?????
It's really a wonder any of us survive adolescence and puberty and young adulthood, isn't it?
It would be wonderful if no one made kids feel guilty about their bodies and their sexuality, don't ya think?
I think Gary is right!
Coming from my childhood, I am most impressed with your parents (both of them) who were responsible and taught you about sex. Even with a book!! My gawd, I am so impressed with them. Can you tell that I did NOT get any instruction or tutoring or even hints and certainly not by my father he never said a word. My mother had to at least acknowledge my starting my period at age nine which I was also not prepared for. My older cousin was staying with us a few weeks and she found me and talked to me and showed me what to do, I was not dying after all. I like how you are so open about life and human feelings and needs in your blog.
99.9999% of human males?
Jason, Jason, Jason. You have daughters. Guess again.
I would have posted sooner but I was locked in the bathroom . . .
Ah, if only we could actually take advice from our older selves...
Cool clock!
I got a good chuckle from the post. Such a universal experience for teenage boys, I guess. Just hope Diego will listen to his old dad when the time comes for some of these lessons.
How in the world have I not found you before this? And what a tremendous idea for a post. I seriously need to send a few of these. I'm thinking of my fifth grade self, my eighth grade self, and possibly my tenth grade self.
I think there are a lot of teenage boys out there who would benefit from receiving a letter like this.
Hahahaha!!
Go beat off in peace, young Jason.
I often wonder about how much damage the church has caused. I spent YEARS feeling guilty for ANY sexual thought. Now that I am older, I look back, like you, and want to encourage exploration.
But, I wonder what my 13 year old self would have said to an older person like me? I would have been scared shitless of myself.
You said spank your monkey. Hee hee.
Brush my rock? What does that mean? Does that mean what I think it means?
hi jason, i think of myself as rather informed but only recently was alerted to the BSA's apparent takeover by the mormon church. did you know about this? there are currently 440,000+ scouts that are sponsored by the mormons and on the home page of the bsa website their mission statement clearly excludes gays and atheists. this is not only egregious personally but legally because it's illegal for an organization that receives tax dollars to discriminate and the bsa do receive federal funding. anyway, i was shocked to learn this. everything is political now. as far as your advice... spot on... spank away.
If only you actually knew then what you know now. Poor 13 year old Jason :o (
Justine :o )
She bop, he bop, we bop. I bop, you bop, a they bop.
This made me laugh but it made me a little sad, too. How many people out there needed -- still need -- letters like this from their older selves? I know I still do. I wish I would hurry up and reach 90 so I could write my 44-year-old self a long letter . . .
You are a treasure, my friend Jason. : )
Dude, my brothers ALL had hair on their palms.
I swear to god . . .
Although I do appreciate your message to young boys everywhere.
Wow. I could have used this. I'm not sure when I became comfortable with masturbation. I'm reasonably certain that it happened around the same time I rejected the teachings of the church and recognized that my father the minister was a hypocrite just like the rest of us.
not just boys, honey.... us girls, too. in fact i think the stigma for girls was worse... i was raised catholic too and lived in shame [hangs head, foot makin small circles] for what i did.
if god didnt want us to have orgasms he wouldnt have given us those parts to do so. and how can you guide your partner to please you if you dont even know how to please yourself?
great post.
your kids will be fine being you are this open with them.
c
I have enjoyed reading these letters to your younger self. Very entertaining and so much valuable information. If only we could have really had something like this!
Alright fine. Tell him to spank his monkey. But also, tell him that "blue balls" is a total load of crap too. Right there with hairy palms, right? ;)
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